TROMPE-L'OEIL

1. Escape Pod [From the World of Medical Observations], Stereolab
I hadn't heard this in a couple of years, and now it's the second time I've heard it today. And I still can't help singing “Savior Faire is everywhere” on the verses. Somewhere Klondike Kat purrs his approval...

2. Flitcraft, The Mekons
Every song ever should be called “Flitcraft”...

3. Miss Modular, Stereolab
Ah, Miss Modular. Or as I like to call it, Flitcraft.

4. Snake and Martyrs, TV on the Radio
Pretty damn sweet for a bonus track. This is one of those albums where the single was just so strong that I sought it out continuously at the expense of the rest of the disc. There might just be a relationship here yet...

5. Jesus, Etc., Wilco
The first album I remember buying for myself was Fantastic, a K-Tel comp featuring 22 sometimes truncated versions of the biggest hits of 1972 and 1973, crammed onto a single slab of brittle vinyl. It had a garish rainbow cover with “Fantastic” written at the top in 48 pt Have A Nice Day font, and damn it meant the world to me. This was the tracklist:

Tie A Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Ole Oak Tree - Tony Orlando and Dawn
Crocodile Rock - Elton John
The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia - Vicki Lawrence
Twelfth of Never - Donny Osmond
Power to All Our Friends - Cliff Richard
Hocus Pocus - Focus
Little Willy - Sweet
Lean On Me - Bill Withers
L.A. Freeway - Jerry Jeff Walker
It Sure Took a Long, Long Time - Lobo
Rock N' Roll, Part Two - Gary Glitter
Free Electric Band - Albert Hammond
Misdemeanor - Foster Sylvers
I'm Doin' Fine Now - New York City
I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little Bit More Baby - Barry White
The Morning After - Maureen McGovern
Twistin' the Night Away - Rod Stewart
Go All the Way- Raspberries
Armed and Extremely Dangerous - First Choice
Randy - Blue Mink
Back When My Hair Was Short - Gunhill Road
Rocket Man - Elton John

BOP BOP SHOOBIE DO WAA

Shoufflé for one...

1. You Make Me Feel So Young, Frank Sinatra
The whole world knows that I'm a swingin' lover...

2. Girlfriend is Better, Talking Heads
Between this album and Pilgrimage by R.E.M., 1983 was the year of speaking in tongues. Wasn't sure what to make of that in 1983, not sure what to make of it now...

3. Come Back From San Francisco, The Magnetic Fields
Exquisite, except for that “I miss doing the wild thing with you” part. I would have preferred “fucking.” Heck, maybe even “humping.” Or how about “unskinny bopping”? Eh, not so much...

4. I Can't Win, The Strokes
Once saw them play a hall that's since been converted into an upscale off-track betting palace. The Moldy Peaches opened, and they were juvenile, stoopid, and great. A folie a deux shared by 200, or whatever the capacity was. The Strokes played the 13 songs they knew, and then disappeared into the upper-middle-class night...

5. More Than Physical, Bananarama
I swear, I have no idea where this came from. Maybe my wife put it on here....OK, OK, I own the damn greatest hits album. Shy Boy? He Was Really Sayin' Something? Robert DeNiro's Waiting? Cruel Summer? Genius, each one of them.

POLYPHONY

1.
One day in 1996 as I was commuting home through thick traffic along Deer Park Ave, I looked out my car window and saw a gaggle of geese lounging on a median strip, poking at the dry grass.

And if geese have eyes, then our eyes surely met…

2.
Taeko and I pulled out of Charlottesville towing an overloaded U-Haul trailer with an ’89 Camry. We strained over steep hills heading north, and when we stopped for the night in Gettysburg, we saw that the weight of the trailer was separating the bumper from the car.

In an effort to lighten the load, we jettisoned some nonessential furniture and boxes of books and notebooks, making a silly promise to ourselves that we would one day return to Gettysburg, to reclaim at least the boxes.

Grad school was over, and I was heading to New York to look for a job…

3.
I’ve seen what happens out there in the wind on the wire. And I chose instead the pursuit of safety…

STRANDED IN THE JUNGLE

Meanwhile, back in the early 90s…

My grad school essay was a sweet, naïve little manifesto in support of bite-sized art.

Rather than decrying short attention spans and the dagblasted MTV, I wrote about the importance of recognizing that we were entering a new stage in our cultural evolution, and that we should embrace its potentials.

My poetry—or what was left of it— attempted to support this notion, by being as popcompact and resonant as I could make it.

Median Geese
I’ll no longer
For the caliph
Pile
The golden sand
Of impulse

Talc
I will miss
The suit against dawn
The mountains bring

My Grail a Recliner
I saw
Karl Wallenda
Falter

And on slow summer days, I like to pretend that My Grail a Recliner is the last poem I ever wrote…

60 MINUTE MAN

OK, it's a late night, so I just have time for a quick Andy Rooney moment. It's partly cloudy... with an 80% chance of curmudgeon!

“Why is it that it takes iTunes four days to send me an e-mail receipt for my download of Silent Shout by The Knife and Face the Fire by Dan Fogelberg? Just what in the heck are those micronaut geniuses at Apple up to anyway?”

I'M A PILL

1. Immature, Bjork
From my favorite album to feature the Icelandic String Quartet. Though of course one could make a strong case for “Dóttir þeirra hét Guðrún”...

2. This Is Not a Love Song, Public Image Ltd
This is not a bad song, but the album is just pure evil in its mediocrity. I will smash that album to bits anytime that it crosses my path.

3. Jungle Music, Special AKA
OK, when it first started, I rolled my eyes and groaned a little. I was still stuck on the sheer biliousness of that Public Image shiite, I suppose. But you won me over in the end, Special AKA.

4. Desifinado, Antonio Carlos Jobim
I made a mix CD over the weekend that included Girl From Ipanema, which I heard this morning and stayed with me straight through until evening. So hearing this now puts a nice warm circle on my day...

5. What Do You Do When Love Dies, Dusty Springfield
Dusty Springfield kicks Janis Joplin's everloving ass.

TRANSMUTATION

1. Orgiastic, Stereolab
I think I'd like this best if I was sitting on a swing, going moderately high, with steady intermediate pumps encouraging an unvaried pace. But right now I'm sitting on my ass on a busted Ikea swivel chair...

2. Moon Rocks, Talking Heads
LCD Soundsystem's raw DNA.

3. Beasley Street, John Cooper Clarke
“There's a dead canary on a swivel seat...” Um, did he get it at Ikea?

4. Flabbergast, Komeda
“Flabbergast” is one of the top ten words ever. If I had a whaling ship, it would be named “Flabbergast” and I'd never catch a single whale. I'd dress up warm each night and drink iced Calpis while watching the northern lights...

5. On Your Wings, Iron and Wine
I think I like Sam Beam's God...

I NEED AN ORDER

It's short shot shuffle Thursday, sheriff.

1. I Love a Man in a Uniform (Dub), Gang of Four
Pointless like sugar-free Bubble Yum.

2. A Pretty Girl is Like..., The Magnetic Fields
Look, there were 69 of them-- they weren't all going to be ribbon winners.

3. The World Backwards, Broadcast
Ah, but the world backwards is so very dlrow...

4. Doubt, Stereolab
[He picks up the iPod, and shakes it vigorously, trying to peer behind the small screen. He is amazed that it has followed a Broadcast song with a Stereolab song] “Show yourself, miniature DJ. I know you're in there!”

5. Failures, Joy Division
Gee Davey, I don't know about this early punky JD...

FEEL THE GREASE

1. Home of the Brave, Spiritualized
Your life has been diminished if you have not spent any time with this album. I wouldn't recommend too much time-- when you find the right amount, you'll just know it. Anything more would be intemperate...

2. Becalmed, Brian Eno
About half a kilometer down Ambient Rd. there's this really neat oxygen bar. The walls are white, and all the dead people you once loved serve you cool water in conical paper cups. And this is G14 on the jukebox.

3. One More Robot/Sympathy 3000-21, The Flaming Lips
Wow, we're onto something here. This is the most perfect three-song sequence the iPod has dealt to date. Will the circle remain unbroken?

4. Truckdrivin' Neighbors Downstairs (Yellow Sweat), Beck
OK, that's the sound of the circle being smashed to kingdom come. And also the sound of me ROTFL...

5. Listening to Marmalade, Go-Kart Mozart
I prefer listening to the Higsons, but fair enough...

HE CAN’T BE A MAN ‘CAUSE HE DOESN’T SMOKE THE SAME CIGARETTES AS ME

It was 12 years ago today that I quit smoking.

I woke up that morning with my then-standard chest-rattling cough.

I looked over in the trash can at the broken pieces of my Godzilla-paw ashtray, with its awesome glow-in-the-dark nails. I had knocked it off the night table inadvertently a couple of days earlier.

After breakfast, I was sitting on the couch reading the newspaper, and I realized it was time.

I went into the closet in my bedroom and grabbed an open carton of Doral Lights, with six full packs remaining. I handed the smokes to my wife, and let her know I would not be needing them anymore.

In honor of this anniversary, I just wanted to share a recent obsession of mine.

This Newport ad is so mind-bendingly cynical on so many levels that it actually becomes a piece of tragic art…

I'M AN ALTO

My promise to you: today's shuffle will not end right smack in the middle of Journey's Don't Stop Believin'...

1. If Money Talks, Jason & The Scorchers
Ahead of their time? Eh, I don't know about that. Raucous, smart, and a hell of a lot of fun? Yes, yes, and yes.

2. Pete Standing Alone, Boards of Canada
Music for when your robot is having “issues.” I would've called it Twiki Standing Alone, but what the fuck do I know...

3. Orange County Suite, The Doors
Never heard of it? It's a bonus track on the L.A. Woman reissue, and it's basically a real song. Not a particularly good one, but a real one. Lyrics to cringe by...

4. Prelude to 110 or 220/Women of the World, Jim O'Rourke
My somewhat tortured metaphor for this back when it came out compared it to building an onion layer by layer, rather than peeling an onion layer by layer. And I'm sticking with that.

5. Wrong Time Capsule, Deerhoof
Deerhoof make magical little songs for magical little people, and it suits them just fine. Thank you, Deerhoof. Thank you.

A DREAM I HAD IN 1995

I swear I have music on this thing that came out in the 21st century, all available evidence to the contrary.

However, here's another five songs to refute that notion...

1. Autonomy, Buzzcocks
Half a great song, but they can't quite bring it home. And I've long been suspicious that they want “autonomy” to sound like “on top of me,” and further, that they think this clever.

2. Break Down the Door, Special AKA
Special AOR, Special MOR, Special DDT, Special DOA, Special FUCK.

3. Young Ned of the Hill, The Pogues
One of those non-Shane numbers from Peace and Love that ain't half bad. Making “Ireland” sound like a simple compound word...

4. The State I Am In, Belle and Sebastian
The version from the Dog on Wheels EP. Not the one from Tigermilk. Sweet merciful crap, am I a geek...

5. If the Kids Are United, Sham 69
The cool thing about baseball in Japan is that they do these modified terrace chants for each individual player. If I were a gaijin playing for the Hiroshima Carp, I would ask that the fans sing the chorus to this song each time I came to bat.

DADDY WAS A COP

Back from Chicago.

And I don't want to cause no trouble/I'm just here to do the iPod shuffle...

One word per song style.

1. Painters Paint, The High Llamas
Supercalifragilisticbeachboysalidocious.

2. All I Want, The Mekons
Wobble.

3. In the End, Green Day
Bandstanding.

4. God Is a Number, Sleater-Kinney
666 X 4.17 = 2777.22

5. A Summer Wasting, Belle and Sebastian
Mustering.