MAC DADDY

So, within minutes of opening up my new Mac, I was on the phone with Northern Virginia Pest and Small Animal Control (or NOVA PSAC, more familiarly)…

ST: Um, hi. I have a bit of a problem here. I just bought a new MacBook…
NOVA PSAC: Feist?
ST: Huh? How…
NOVA PSAC: It’s Feist, again, isn’t it? We here at PSAC have been dealing with this for almost a year now. We see it three, four times a week. What is she doing, sir?
ST: Now? Now she’s just kind of squatting in the corner. But she was floating around the room just before. We have a cathedral ceiling, so she was really up there…
NOVA PSAC: Dammit, man—not a cathedral ceiling. That’s where your most persistent Feist infestations take root. So, she’s not mobile now. Is she making any sound?
ST: Hold on. OK. OK. Yeah. She’s counting. Just “1,2,3,4” over and over again. Please tell me you can make this stop. In the name of all that is good and right, please…
NOVA PSAC: OK, sir, hold on. Don’t get hysterical. We here at PSAC are trained professionals. We’ll take care of this. Is she blocking your way?
ST: No, no, she’s still over in the corner of the room.
NOVA PSAC: Excellent. Here’s what you need to do: Go into another room, preferably the largest available room in the house. Next, you’re going to need to form a Canadian supergroup collective. I’d recommend you get one of the violin players from Arcade Fire and one of the dudes from Stars, to start. Who knows, that might even be enough.

So I did just that, and then sent them on a tour of 750-seat clubs, mostly out west. And all of my Feist problems were solved.

Thank you, PSAC, from the bottom of my heart!