THE RESOLUTION OF ALL THE FRUITLESS SEARCHES

The last band my wife cared anything about was Spandau Ballet. She knitted Gary Kemp a sweater, and air mailed it from Nagoya to London.

She was always more likely to fall for Gary Kemps than Tony Hadleys...

I'll tell you more about her one day, but this is just to say that yesterday was our 13th wedding anniversary.

And as a result, today the satellite is all about romantic ballads and soft pop music, featuring lyrics of love.

That's right, lyrics of love...

You Make Me Fell Brand New—Simply Red
Goddam, what a punk out. You could've played The Stylistics' original, a smooth piece of Philly soul with the potential to make any living creature on the planet go moist, but you opt for this pointless, arid remake. Why?

If You Leave Me Now—Chicago
Where their former muse was Got to Get You Into My Life, here we find it shifting to Maybe I'm Amazed. Saccharine kills, babies...

Send One Your Love—Stevie Wonder
This might be closer to Splenda than saccharine, but one thing's for sure-- it ain't real sugar.

Vision of Love—Mariah Carey
See, nothing says true love like melisma...

Just Once—James Ingram
NBC's Must See Thursdays, now with 15% more soul. If a Cosby sweater could sing, surely it would sing this...

In Your Eyes—Peter Gabriel
Really, it's everything that Lloyd Dobler was not supposed to be...

Woman in Love—Barbara Streisand
Time was when they put the Bee Gees in just about everything. Hell, most breakfast cereals were fortified with at least one Bee Gee back in the day. But still, it took a certain sort of mad brilliance to Bee-Gee up Babs. Between this and Guilty, I'll be damned if it didn't half work.

What, no True? Grade: C

I'm out of town on business tomorrow-- back on Thursday...