RUN LIKE A VILLIAN TO THE SUPER BOWL

I'm going to take a brief moment away from the usual music content to give my annual, highly anticipated Super Bowl predictions.

I don't want to tout my touting too too much, but thousands of people have made millions of dollars by following my picks. No shit.

So, this year's matchup seems pretty even on paper.

The favored Virginia Squires are of course led by the record-setting quince-pence Finster, who can sling the gherkin like nobody's business.

But you better believe that those Rochester Lancers can answer the bell. Everyone recalls that pitch back in June where it seemed certain that the Butte Trundlebucks were going to overtake the Lancers. But then the Lancers festooned the cork on three consecutive possessions, and, well, by the end of the sixth quatrain they had hoisted the Bag O' Mud and Rapturous Joy high over Tertiary Stadium.

So I'm going to say, take the Lancers in an upset. I think they'll probably juuuust squeak it out and win by a chaucer, but win they will.

For my specialty bets, I'd go with the Squires to marinade the first pay phone, and I think their designated speller will upset the first apple cart. Look for the Lancers' Billings to matriculate the first whistlepig, while his counterpart Shoney will surely be the first to wear the kelp.

Goddam, am I excited!

Rah.